i really wonder..

no matter how much i may say "dont think about the if-onlys", but sometimes when you look back at all the shit youve been through, you really cant help but wonder if they're all worth it..

i guess it's more of this kind of thoughts, when none of this are within my own control. NONE. i cant even want to turn the tables around based on my own efforts. and it's as though after THAT particular decision that ive made, all the subsequent agreements just seem to flow as such. because it doesnt make any sense to oppose anymore. i think ive lost sight of what i can decide, and what i think others may be at a better position to choose for me.

and it makes even less sense to talk to anyone about it. it's as though they cant really see things in my perspective, why i am still holding on to it. it's precisely because not holding on to it spells even greater disaster now. they are maybe, overconfident of me.

just simply lost when i think further ahead. whr am i heading? are all these really worth it?

i seriously hope, sincerely hope, for all these that are happening to me, to be all worthwhile in the end..