i cant believe that this is such a hard semester, just starting from the beginning..  all the decision making and choices all thrown to me, affecting everything thats supposed to be in plan.. it's like everything is falling in place, but if only all happened earlier and smoothly..

1. deciding to do an ism + urop after michelle see rejected me for thesis
2. thought id be happier this way.
3. taking up a urop and got questioned why im not planning to do a honours thesis if i have possible plans of furthering my studies
4. struggling between doing thesis or not, and eventually decided to do so.
5. submitted for assignment of prof while i approached the new prof in dept for opportunity.
6. he agreed! but to only meet me on a friday.
7. wonder why i was emailed about social lab, did the dept assign me a prof alr?
8. urop prof offered to convert my urop into thesis, like the best chance ever! everything is in place for me to take it on! interesting topic tbh~

but just when things appeared to be really great for me..

9. deciding to take on the thesis offer w her or not because there's all these risk abt having to extend a semester.. all the thoughts about whether its worth it or not, and whether im really gonna pursue further studies.. even postponing graduation and travelling..
10. met the new prof in dept, his area of study is so intriguing, always held an interest in it.
11. wanted to do a ism w new prof, but turns out that i cant if i decide to do honours thesis. too greedy, wanting to do everything..
12. wanted to do lvl3000 research opp w him but if i do urop, i cant do that anymore. shit the requirements.
13. decided to take on part-time work w new prof at his lab for adhoc interest! though he highly suggests me to do honours thesis w him.
14. cant decide which mod to drop. pursue usefulness or interest? both kills.. but shld take cogneuro if i want to work on decision making area nxt time right..? but why am i doing thesis in dvt then? logic doesnt really flow, but heck for once..
15. whether to chiong the thesis in 1year or extend a semester.. and the workload and all..
16. turns out that i cant decide as i do the thesis, i have to decide 2semesters in advance, which is by monday 5pm
17. all the admin stuff related to extending submission of thesis by a sem, and extending 1 sem w the deans office.
18. probably decided to sneakily do extra semester not telling others for the fear of pressure and stress, but will just do my best to complete to my best efforts. 2nd upper or lower whatever, maybe?
19. unforeseen circumstances, so i cant read less than permissible workload this sem, so i will die w all the load even when im intending to extend a sem. whats the point? might as well chiong?
20. recruitment and coordination is so getting on my nerves with parents not replying, or even replying cannot fit schedule.
21. looking bleak in cogneuro class. just blanked out at the expectations and workload. not feeling very wonderful cuz dont see all the logical flaws.
22. not in the right state in nego class. just too bothered with everything. not catching the concepts right. what am i doing again?
23. pc commons printing service decide to die on me so i stayed back for nothing.
24. wanted to clear readings on the train home, but the couple nxt to me is just quarreling too loudly.. the whole train is too rowdy..

its such a hassle to even describe all the stupid problems im dealing w..

RAWWWRRR i really.. just wanna cry out loud.. scream out loud.. it's so hard, to bottle everything up, even speaking about them to him doesnt resolve the stress and pressure.. and always speaking of the same issue or related issues, i dont want.. id rather tell after all have been decided on.. seriously, its too much hassle all because of indecisiveness at the beginning.. dont feel like i have anyothers to cry to anw.. but come to think of it, not that i cry in front of others.. and not that i would tell others about all these things.. dont want to let others see such weak side of me only.. and not that after knowing all these, and seeing such stupid side of me, the problems would be solved.. i might just bother them w my problems anw, or bother them about whether im okay and all.. not as if they're not bothered w their own sets of problems..

its enough trouble with academics and all alr.. and other things just doesnt seem to go along my wishes too.. ppl questioning me of future plans.. all the admin stuff in sch.. my body system.. my heart.. all the fuss about cant-multitask-so-neglect-ppl, even when i try to hide so that i can focus on doing one thing at a time, they just come and find me and talk and when i dont answer in time, they blame me..

arghhh its just so hard.. cant all the problems just come one by one so that i can handle them one by one? all at a go is just too.. depressing.. my chest feels too bottled up, its getting hard to breathe, and idk whats w my heart too..

idk what to do anymore.. just, stuck.. feel so lost all of a sudden, hate this feeling..

walking back home, so it's time to wipe away those tears.. cant even look too black-faced, cuz will get mentioned abt again.. why isit just so tough..

and.. it's time to put on the mask again~

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