and the reason now is not cuz i've been really avoiding this space..
there's too much to throw here, but cuz i thought by trying not to come here, i'd just stop this habit of just writing negative stuff here.. but even happy stuff are not logged in as well..
and i feel even worse than not writing here at all..

so now im here, even when this means that i have to throw away some time from studying for the upcoming test on monday, that ive not  started studying for, and that im left w sunday to do  so since im going out tmr..
but i dont know..
it's harder and harder for me to organise my thoughts..
even though they were not organised to start with..

and im so tired of it..
i dont wanna face the fact that im so lost about myself..
its so tough.. idk what i like, idk what i dislike, idk what im fine w, idk what i want to do, idk what im thinking about when doing certain stuff, idk why i do certain stuff, idk why i cry sometimes, idk how to tell people why..

or maybe.. theyre just manifestations of me buying myself into this whole lie.. when i refuse to tell people about stuff, i block myself from the real reasons as well..
it gets really bad when people start to probe into the WHYs of my life.. sometimes i just do things on the spur of the moment, and when the WHY question comes in, it all sux..
it makes me think that im just a impulsive person, makes me feel all the regrets, makes me feel so irritated about myself..
this is the worst one can go: doubting yourself..
it's all my life.

i dont even know myself well. on what grounds should i talk to people about myself?
it just reinforces the whole thing about not saying anything, and to just continue this whole facade..
even when i hate the multiple me.. even when i have to just keep my own thoughts contained inside.. even when i have to tell all the lies that ive always bought people into..
thanks for telling me about all my flaws, all the loopholes in my stories.. thanks for telling me that im a bad storyteller, and that you can guess accurately what im thinking or feeling..
i put on different masks infront of different people.. many people do, but why do you ask me only?
am i that extreme? if yes, thanks for telling me, but it just makes me dislike myself more..
it makes me feel worse.. because, i cant even protect myself now.. just lost that one belief ive held about keeping myself away..
maybe  thats why ive become such a quieter person now also..
lost all the confidence i had in myself perhaps..

just accept who i am, the me i display in front of you.
stop asking, and destroying my world..
just let me live in this constructed world, and just accept the "felicia" that i present to you..

felicia
im just a coward, who cares.