was sorting out my thoughts..
突然间觉得，我让自己太辛苦了… 不应该这样，但是又能如何改变呢… 自作自受…

i would say that xinyun can survive anywhere, because she always manages to get the conversation going. perhaps going on SEP alone would seem daunting to her, but i believe that she is doing rather well, in terms of stepping out of her comfort zone.
everybody complains and whine, i dont blame her for doing so, because sometimes i do as well.
although some complains may get on my nerves because i really dont know her true thoughts, whether i interpreted them correctly or not. but, i know that i should stop making myself feel like i've been pulling her along to this SEP. because, i know that she can get much more from this experience than me, be they positive or negative ones. better than me. for i may look/seem independent, but just a coward on the inside. brave front? i'd admit..

but i think it'll be good if she could voice out what she wants.

i've been thinking about the good and bad points of staying on in ainhouse and moving away to rachel livingtel, the room that winston stays.. he stays in a room for 2 ppl, worth 700k krw per month. should we stay in it, it's just 350k krw each, really cheaper, by 50k for xinyun and 80k for me,  per month.

i kinda like living in my own room, because i dont need to care about what others think about me, about what i do, and dont need to feel restrained about anything. i mean, i dont know, it seems like even if i share room with my closest friend (if i even have placed anybody in this position), i'd still be restricting myself and all, cuz i dont want it to be like me imposing on their style of living.
i kinda like some alone time with myself, doing things that i dont dare to do in front of others, maybe sleeping, snoring, talking crap or thinking aloud to myself, laughing, or yea, crying.. living away from someone's eyes seem good. because when i'm with someone, i feel really obliged to talk, for i have this weird BIG issue with awkward silences. it's just there even when the other person says it's okay to not talk. sorry, it's just me. i kinda like silences with myself haha.

however, i know i'm fine with my room, but i dont know for xinyun. it seemed like she's not been really happy with her room. i know she's trying her best to live in that small room, and i'm really afraid that it's too small for her. i know she hates it, like me, about the stupid rule of not turning on the aircon after 12 midnight (im so gonna find out who's the girl who made up this rule). i know she  hates her water running crazily from hot to cold without a "warm water" transition. its all happening to her! i'd rather be the one suffering all these. i could give her my room should she want! because i dont want her to live uncomfortably.. but she said no, and she's really inclined to look at winston's room. it's really bigger than our current one, with enough room for 2. but i've never dared to tell her about my concerns. it's not that i need to tolerate her bad habits. but because idk why we chose single rooms in the first place instead..

and another for being a stupid reciprocal person. we made 2  friends ainhouse, they are really nice to talk with. maybe looking back, it's been xinyun driving the whole conversation. and it's easy to talk about stuff to them than the buddies i meet in the orientation. it may be due to the setting? hmm. it seems sad to actually not live together with them anymore. idk, because i'm ready to compromise on myself to help my friends or make others feel better. just..

perhaps eventually, we're all just playing mind guessing games. i would try my best to win the game.

it's the end of the second day of orientation, and happy birthday ava!
she's my korean buddy for Korea University Buddy Assistants (KUBA) programme. she's a korean-american, so she speaks really fluent english, american-styled. she's 2years younger, and maybe that explains her hyper-ness. however, sometimes it gets really awkward when things die down when we're all tired. it may be just because it's me: i have a BIG issue about awkwardness. i cant handle the stress from it. especially during meal times, when they all dont talk at all? i wonder why.. because i cant talk when i'm eating, it'll make me EVEN slower. and that they're all not talking, makes me want to gobble my food down my throat, regardless of whether i get chest aches or not. it's horrible.

sometimes, maybe i think and feel too much from people's reactions. i'd admit that i'm someone who has a high need to belong. perhaps thats why i always look so much into others'  feelings, reactions and stuff. because i always want to look out for them, and dont want to be a burden on their schedules.
it's even more obvious in this kind of situations. sometimes, getting to know someone may seem so superficial that i dont even want to make the effort to do so. and because of the fact that the other intl buddies are having the same buddy as me, it makes it seem reasonable for me to try to get along better with them, since i predict more future interactions. but it's so hard, when eventually conversations die down, or when i feel so not respected. i should not even care about her purposes and intentions of doing so, seriously. it's not worth it. it's making me use double the amount of energy to interact and know others.

whatever. is that why i have few friends. ha.ha.

was sick last night, felt too bloated, and it felt really horrible. the first person i thought of was my mum, and i was serious, listening to her voice made me feel better. teared, because she always takes care of us when we're sick. it was nice talking to my mum :) and some stupid comments from my brother haha! ohwell. and it was the first time i hear my dad speaking so gently to me HAHA! it felt weird, but i like it :)

i enjoy travelling, i've never really missed home. isit because of these irritating moments with others that i start to feel weird these 2 days?

perhaps this SEP will make me think twice. something to takeaway from this whole experience, and discover what am i like. :)

till then!

felicia