now i know the way to go when one is angsty is to avoid all medium LOL
cuz anything said publicly actually makes others worry, which is something that i actually dont want to bring upon others..
so, here i am~
the fact that i'm talking here less is cuz the laptop is always inaccessible, which in a way is good also?
cuz i'll not blabber all my shit here, and make this place too negative..

so the idea about anticipated regret is that:

when an individual makes any decision, we consider the possibility in which we may regret this decision in future, and hence one naturally avoids changes in anything that one has decided on, for fear of the uncertainty of the new choice, and for fear that he or she may regret the change. we anticipate this form of regret, and hence stick to our choices.
So if out of A, B and C, an individual has chosen A, he or she would be reluctant to change to B when given a choice. Even though eventually the decision A one has remained to is wrong, one would be less "hateful" of oneself than when decision B is wrong as well.

i guess i still remembered it correctly lol, i hope.
BUT this is bad.
because such things doesnt work on me.

having accepted the gov internship this summer, i'm starting to regret this decision.
as more and more notices to ask for internship application starts to flood my inbox, i really wonder why i chose to accept the offer..
perhaps for fear that i would not stand a chance in getting other kinds of offers.
the fact that i wasnt even aware of  the gov internship until xinyun told me about it, states clearly the fact that they had chosen to email those with CAP 4 and above. i am one lucky dude to be able to clinch the offer, despite having CAP lower than 4 (just slightly in fact).
before accepting the offer, i was really hesitant of it, cuz i have no idea what's up for me, what's expected of me, but i decided to take it up for its better pay perhaps, and also for fear of not clinching one internship opportunity this summer hols.
why such low confidence? it has always been in me, to have low self-confidence, and this time was no exception.
now that i see so much more interesting offers that await me, like the Police Psychological Services Division (PPSD) Research Internship Programme, Paid Summer internship in Infant Language Laboratory, Research Assistant at i/o psych lab, internship at singapore prison..
these are areas that i am more seriously interested in, but did not wait for them to appear.
why?? just for that lack of self-confidence to clinch any of them, looking at my CAP.. perhaps, in comparison with my other friends who are doing really well academically..
was i wrong in my decision to accept this internship opportunity?
something that struck me even harder was the demoralising comment from a friend, who commented that the department i am going to intern for, was in fact not really good. it seems that i cant harvest as much as i expected from my coming intern opportunity.

perhaps what struck me harder, is the upward comparison with my friends that i always make.

when one is in doubt of own capabilities, one tends to look for others for information so as to gauge ourselves. when comparing with people performing better than you, one is conducting upward social comparison. everybody tends to value performance and hence tends toward making upward social comparison. a little is good for motivating oneself, but too much becomes over-discouraging.

but for my case, i'm left with no choice but to do upward comparison with my friends, for they are all high-achievers academically. undeniably, i'm always the last in position in comparison, in any academic aspect.
haha, guess i'm their ego-booster~
but it's always been something bugging me that, whatever i got out of hard work, some people can get it through easy cramming..
i am always trying to be hardworking, because i need double the amount of effort to achieve what my other friends can get easily. thats why i'm always in a state of stress and sadness.
my friends may see that i've done alot, perhaps more than them,
but i myself know that this is not enough, cuz i am not naturally as smart as them..
i need constant repeated revision to lock something into my LTM, unlike their natural talents of being more artistic, creative and analytical ability, last minute studying power w recency effect, ability to remember things upon listening or reading once..
i need more time, which this whole education system doesnt provide me with..
perhaps this is another reason why i've always not really acting upon my wants to join a cca..

so recently, i have come to realise that this is going nowhere.
because no matter how hard i try, i'm still behind them.
there's no point in making social comparison anymore, because i'll just get more and more dejected..
it's been enlightening to have come so far with my friends, but i've decided to do something for myself instead. although i had always enjoyed studying, i had always placed too much emphasis on trying to match up with my friends. now i've come to understand that i just have to leave no regrets for myself.

that's it. buck up for killer week12!

felicia