it's been long since i last visited, and so much had happened, boggling my mind..

joanne's off to the states! sent her off that day :)
it had been really awkward i thought.. w chingshia..
it's like, we've been friends for so long alr, but why do i still feel such awkwardness?
i hate this kind of feelings. and i dislike it when i cant seem to make things better :(
sometimes it seems kinda sad that things turn out like this between friends..
w jh, w shenn, btwn chingshia and yilin..
i dont really understand. i cant seem to blame everything to inevitability, cuz, i didnt put in any effort myself..
just, left w regrets sometimes..

so before sch started, went for chulei's bday party :)
i thought it was a great idea, for a gathering among friends haha, but, as a guest, i guess i'd just not hold my 21st bday party haha
have got no confidence in connecting w all my friends.. but come to think of it, i dont have much friends too LOL guess not being in singapore would be just a great excuse, great wayout too :)
guess 21st would just mark another stage of your life, just another bday i thought, and another way to get together w friends :) sth that i like.. cuz.. i seldom am able to organise such stuff haha, so attending was really fun :)
was really glad to have had another meetup like that w 4j peeps, anvea and shilei haha
unexpected "new" frens.. whom i doubt i have the courage to contact again for random stuff..

it had been a fun night :) met lixia and aini too, but, kinda awkward cuz dont knw whether to say hello or not.. even if i said, i dont knw how to continue the conversation..
guess alot of times it had been like this for me, hesitant to initiate, alw thinking of the worst case scenario..
idk, perhaps it's just me, the me that i had always wanted to change, but couldnt..
irritated.

celebrated yingjie's bday that day :)) first great friend to turn 21 hahaha
when i barely joined the 20 club~
ohwell, everytime i think of yingjie, i recall the mean things i did to her when i was sec1.. i was such a hypocrite i thought..
need for social acceptance? lol. what an excuse for me. but still, i thought i could have advised yingjie that time rather than keeping quiet abt the flaming that went on on her blog's tagboard..
i could have helped her integrating into the class, i really wanted.. but i chose to do nothing about it, and made it turn pretty awkward a relationship between us.. ha..ha..
i thought i was really mean during cs trip to thailand, but perhaps that was partly due to my bias due to religion then. all cuz of a pri sch fren..
i thought i had a pretty fun time? at thailand? i really hoped that she did. if i could, i would like to turn the time back to these times when i can redo everything all over again, and do those things that i really wanted to.
rather than keeping quiet, and sometimes complaining abt someone (yj) to chingshia when i get really upset abt what i wanted to do but didnt do..
all in all, just wanted to apologise to her actually, for being such an inadequate friend..

celebrated her bday in smu :)) spent the afternoon on the card haha, it was cute :)
just hoped that i had initiated the celebration to be on the real day rather than waiting..
whatever. if time could go back, i doubt this me would have done it too.
fun fun :) thought oreo cheesecake was quite nice haha, frm river gauche at T1!
yingjie is still as cute as ever haha, a great friend whom i treasure, for alw being so truthful, and honest..
and not beating around the bush :)
thanks for being my friend!

started all the bidding stuff, and i realised that.. sometimes, i really hate being such a nice person..
i cant really get rid of the ppl that i dont really wanna hang out w, but i cant seem to find a good way to reject well.. so in the end i just fall prey to others taking advantage of me.. and it had alw been the same person again and again. am i just that dumb? or am i trying my best to want to return to the times in sec2?
but i guess, after 2 weeks, i really see myself being used. lol. what a joke. i feel so horrible, what are friends for to you? why must i alw fall prey to you?
i hate it.

guess the really fun thing for now, is just my weekends, when i am at a place w/o all these fakeness, hypocrites.. really enjoy my weekend job at berries, w all the cute kids. naivety, which i like :)
angels from everywhr, who sometimes make me irritated w all the undone hw and the jumping around in classrooms..
but the things they talk about is just so cute, so pure, so full of interest, although it's just simple everyday trivial stuff, but they like sharing w us :) love them!

over the month, o-lvl results released..
heard abt xuefang's results. failed maths. i felt even worse.. i could have done more to help her, but i had alw been waiting for her to contact me. i really dont knw why i did that. i shldnt have just assumed that her math could just pass, simply based on her recent tests and prelims. sigh. all cuz that i was sick over that period, i could have just helped her thru skype or what, or whatever means that i can use to help her.
ARGHH!!! idk. dislike my inadequacies.

but have been really touched by shenhuijuan's message. thanks girl, i really appreciate it :)
she's been a great friend, battlemate. i wouldnt consider her as my colleague, cuz, she's been much more than that :)

sometimes, i think, i had been jealous of others being alw out on meetups and ventures w friends. whom i've neglected, and cant keep back in contact. i guess i need to start thinking of all the positiveness in life :) rather than alw looking at the negative sides to things and events..

so let's begin:
school has started, w 3 days starting at 8am. guess would adjust me to slp early and wake up early w healthy lifestyle? :) at least w much more time at hand to do my readings rather than just slp away. friday is pretty slack w 8-10am lecture, and 6-8pm tutorial, rest of the day free. will work hard this semester, i need to pull up my grades i guess, and perhaps time to spare for a meal w friends~

it's pretty tough, but i'm trying, to move away from those negative thoughts about things. about being more glad over waking up early and maximising the days in my life :)
guess sometimes, i should not really rely on friends. i should be more independent to fulfil what i really want to do rather than just saying. would do :)

it's been a rather disorganised post. i guess i'm pretty much this kind of person. alw disorganised. haha
thoughts, stuff, cupboard. personality. person. messed up? nah, just complex, and disorganised.
not a conscientious person as others sometimes see me to be lol

hungry for now, dinner time w my hk drama :)))

felicia
` be positive :)