-- yoga lin, 我总是一个人在练习一个人

today went out with chingying, chulei and samuel (who joined afterwards) to celebrate ben sim's bday :)
guess i'm still used to calling him ben sim rather than benjamin..

some of our habits dont change after all.. some are good, some are bad, some help us mature, some are deterring..
i guess i do have many of my habits unchanged: tendency to wait, and stay in my comfort zone..

i really appreciate it alot, many of my friendships. but i'm a really poor person at maintaining them.
i dislike it being this way. really. but, i dont know why, i cant bring myself to change it.

contrary to what most may think: although i am pretty much a busy person, i'm in fact a lonely one.
i dont feel so much connected to people, i just feel that i want to connect to them, but afraid if they are free or available to connect as much to me as i want to.
afraid that they may find it a nuisance. afraid that i may face disappointment. afraid that i may feel discouraged. afraid that i may just be finding more troubles for myself.
afraid of this, afraid of that, that's why nothing could be done nor accomplished.
i keep telling myself that i am really grateful to these people, and one day, i will tell them how much i love them.
but, these are never done. guess it'll never be, up till perhaps, if i ever start writing out a gratitude post, on the day i die.
they never know, cuz i'll perhaps never say.

i always say that that's why i fully support all the plannings of outings and gatherings, as a way to compensate. but guess this never works.. cuz, you'd never know when's the next one going to come, while you stay here waiting and waiting like a fool.
you may think, well, everyone's busy like they always are. unlike you, who is so free.
so maybe you should make yourself busy like they are.
up till a point, when i decide to call joanne, i realise that these are all worthless time wasted.
all these assumptions are just, like what they are, assumptions.

that day i was just talking to xinyun and monster. expectations. haha.
saying that we possess different kinds of expectations for different people around us. as someone changes his or her role, we also expect some kinds of differences that would distinct him or her from their previous roles.
it seems that these expectations may come to harm many of our relationships.
sometimes i just wonder, why do you expect so much out of others?
why can you just make yourself do what you hope to see?
it seems easier to say than do, especially if i reflect upon myself.
i'd want to, really. but, cant find the courage to.

if anyone's out there.
i just want to tell you that. i'm tired. of just waiting. maybe it's time for me to do something.
anything.
i just want to tell you guys that.

i am really thankful for all of you. being around me. in my life. at different stages. supporting me, being just there for me. letting me know that i share so many precious bonds with you guys.
i am sorry for my nonsense, and tantrums thrown around. sorry to let some of you suffer.
sorry to have taken many of you for granted at times, sorry to have imposed on you guys.
i am one who is really poor at comforting and encouraging others. sorry if you found me a hypocrite. because i am not, but someone who is really poor at expressing herself. poor at words thats why i dont speak much, but i may provide a source of listening ear, if you are willing to let me be one.
sorry to have put on a facade, because i am uncomfortable with showing people this true (lonely and thinking-too-much) self of mine.
so anyone out there reading this:
dont, dont, dont change your attitude towards me even after reading this.
treat me as same. because it'll be so much tougher for me to face you guys afterwards if you had told me that you had read this.
this is if someone still bothers about here. haha.
i love this outlet, to be myself. thanks, to have established this, and thanks to this site being available.

it may not be soon, but rest assured. i will try my best.
just want to say that, although i feel left out at times, i understand. it's okay to not feel paiseh cuz of that. i know my place. i will try my best. i will. but i hope for some time. hope you guys wouldnt hence be even more distant.

perhaps i could start, from the little trivial things. like taking note of many interesting and happy happenings. instead of being so pessimistic at many times. i may not show it, but i am one.

on another note, i feel so surprised and thankful for the xmas gift from ben sim, royce chocolate.
i thought i certainly didnt deserve one from him, nor from anyone from this clique, becuase i am absolutely conscious of being a naughty, being so not-in-contact with this group of friends.
but today made me treasure them even more. not because of the gifts and celebrations, but because of the fun and memories.
hope to thank everyone i know of, friends and acquaintances, for leaving me with so much wonderful memories. i've certainly treasured the times at dhs, with these bunch of friends and our foolish memories.


this post may be a little disorganised. cuz many things are running in my head at this moment. i suck at organising them. need some time. need a good night sleep. guess it'll work better.

meanwhile, just a passing feeling of, loneliness.


felicia
.lonely.