maybe.. im just not a good gf..

今天, 我在他面前莫名其妙地哭了..

but i guess this leads us to better understanding each other, and reduce these kind of unnecessary thoughts about whether or not we are imposing on each other.

and makes me 胡思乱想 less~ we're just both too silly, that we never expect anyone would change their behaviours or habits just cuz of us.. "我算什么?" but we alw forget that the other is so impt to us that we willingly accept feedback and work towards changing for the better for each other..

realised that no confidence in self vs no confidence in the other is so easily misinterpretable.. guess it still boils down to communication.. and reassurances..

ily.. sm.. sm..

felicia

recently not really being myself w him. 怪怪的, but i cant pinpoint why..

failure of introspection. confirmed.

so you hear of someone being surprised and saying that "怎么可能会这么久", or even impressed with first partners having a long-lasting relationship, is it safe to assume that one has the mindset that it's kinda hard for the first partner to be long-lasting?

i mean, it might not bother anyone intrinsically, but not if the listener is the speaker's first partner..

in any form of friendship or relationship, there is bound to be differences and conflicts between any two individuals. rather than pure passion and affection, i feel that it takes hard work, effort, mutual dedication, and also the faith and desire to want things to work out well. and of course, it's mutual. one might not feel the desire to devote greater efforts in maintaining the relationship if he/she doesnt feel the reciprocal desire from the partner, or if the relationship is perceived to be short-lived.

but.. do i give such uncertainties to you too..?

i guess.. maybe it's just me overthinking yet again. tsk. 싫어.

its so tough..

maybe i'm just doing a bad job in maintaining this balance and expectations among family and bf.. why does it seem like im the only one who had disappeared from the family life but not the rest? maybe it has got to do with how much priority i place on both? but i value both as much..

so what now. baffled. im really lost. maybe i should be disconnected yet again, to connect back to them..? is this even a long term solution..

should come up with something.. else, this will alw stay, with confirmation bias..

woke up with a weird dream today~ similar to those i had when he was leaving soon, and when he was away~ it feels weird at this point in time to have this similar-themed dream again, because right now i have enough faith that it will not come true. thanks to all the talks and reassurances.

maybe im just being insecure at the unconscious level for idk whatever stupid/silly reason that i really cant pinpoint nor unds.. i wouldnt deny that it does affect me to some extent, reflecting how i gave myself those distractions to steer away from those thoughts, and also occasional reviewing of those gifts and letters he gave me to reassure myself. weird.

throwing away these weird thoughts and dreams. because thr's some LINE notifications from him :)

felicia

tired.. just really tired..
cannot be tired.. just cannot be tired..

stay strong!! its the end soon!! ><